


Unviable and Impossible

by Miko-of-Midnight (RainbowChicatita)



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Porn, Bisexual "Trapper" John McIntyre, Bisexual Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Episode: s04e01 Welcome to Korea, Feelings Realization, Friends With Benefits, I meant to write fluff but I wrote angst oops, Idiots in Love, Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Oral Sex, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Secret Relationship, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:53:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25044199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowChicatita/pseuds/Miko-of-Midnight
Summary: Hawk and Trap are bunkies with benefits, which is just about relief, right? That’s what it was, until one of them realizes that what he feels is more than just friendship and lust. Is there a VD that makes you catch feelings for your best friend and bunkie?
Relationships: "Trapper" John McIntyre/Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce
Kudos: 22





	1. Part I: Oh My God, I Think I Like You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s scary but you send me back on my heels… I can’t ignore the feels, but I say no no no this is just about sex… but then I feel the oxytocin creeping back to my brain and all I can do is [think] it again oh my god, I think I like you… I only want to look in your eyes…My feelings get stronger every day…Oh my God I think I like you”  
> –lyrics from “Oh My God, I Think I Like You”, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taking place any time during the first 3 seasons really. Also, first foray into the M*A*S*H fandom and this ship! (I'm about halfway through my first watch of the series!) Please be kind. No beta, we die like men.

_Supply room, 10 minutes after the movie starts._ He could still hear that whisper in his ear, could still feel the hot air that had accompanied it. He did his best to dim his giddy smile, but he was sure it wasn’t working, he probably looked like an idiot. He would give it all away and they’d never be able to meet like that again, and that was a best-case scenario. That thought successfully helped him get his facial expression under control. He felt too big for his skin and the evening felt far too far away.

He had yet to feel this way before one of his nurse flings. Shit, was he starting to _like_ like him!? (And he hated that he used a term his girls would have in grade school). Was he starting to like Hawkeye as more than a best friend and a guy he occasionally fooled around with, he wasn’t, right? It was just to relieve tension, right? They couldn’t have anything beyond what they had, because some day they wouldn’t be living in the same dozen or so acres of land in the middle of the war. And what would happen then? He needed to stop thinking about that and just enjoy what they had.

Hawk came into the supply room that evening all blue eyes, smirks, and swagger. Trapper felt his entire body freeze, including his heart, which was, medically, not probable, but he swore he felt it stop at the look on Hawkeye’s face.

“Fancy running into you here,” Hawk drawled, eyes glowing when he turned back to Trapper after wedging the door shut. They didn’t waste any more time with talk. They only had so long before the movie would be over and others may be looking for a place to rendezvous. Before he knew properly what was happening. Hawk had pulled down Trapper’s fatigues and had his mouth around Trapper’s cock. And fuck, his hot mouth felt like the most amazing fucking thing. His entire length was surrounded by the tight, wet, warmth, Hawk used every trick in the book and then some. He fucking loved him. Trapper came embarrassingly quick and was left panting while Hawk lifted his eyebrows, smirking, wiping the bit of cum that was on the corner of his mouth. And wasn’t that ridiculously fucking hot.

“Now that’s what I call a greeting, I think we should standardize it,” the brunet joked. Trapper couldn’t tear his eyes from his lips. He grabbed Hawk’s head and brought it down so their lips met with beautiful force. He loved kissing him, it was just _more_ than kisses he’d had before. And it wasn’t just tasting himself in Hawk’s mouth, it was _him_. Fuck, no, this was just sex, he reminded himself as he felt Hawk stroking him back to hardness with one hand and pushing down his own trousers with the other.

Hawkeye migrated his lips from Trapper’s lips into his neck and began to nip, lick, and kiss his way down the blonde’s neck. Trapper kept one hand on his head and moved the other down to Hawkeye’s now bare and leaking cock. It was about relieving tensions, that’s all. They were friend’s helping each other out, he thought as he stroked his Bunkie to his own orgasm, leaving Hawkeye gasping and panting too. They both laid back on the cot on the ground, the only movement was their chests rising and falling and Hawkeye continuing to stroke Trapper to full hardness.

“Hawk- fuuuck,” he groaned as Hawkeye let go of Trapper’s cock, rolled over and started to stretch himself. Trapper felt his cock jump at the sight, leaking pre-come. He squeezed the base of his cock to keep from coming as Hawkeye crouched onto all fours on the cot.

“Don’t have all day, soldier,” he grinned cheekily, looking behind him. Trapper couldn’t look away from those eyes. He kneeled and leaned over to pull Hawkeye’s mouth to his for another kiss. It felt so right. If there was a way for them to always be this close and always be- Hawk pulled back with a softer smile.

“C’mon Trap,” he pecked his lips. “The movie will be over soon,” before turning back around. He already missed those baby blues. He grabbed Trapper’s ass and pulling him forward so his dick smacked Hawkeye’s ass making them both groan. Right, this was just release. They’d be doing it like rabbits at every opportunity for weeks. This was no difference, just sex added to their friendship. That’s all this was, Trapper reminded himself as he sunk into the heavenly heat of Hawkeye’s ass. They were Fuck Buddies. This couldn’t be anything more than that.

They both didn’t last much longer, and didn’t linger in the supply shed. They headed to the showers on their way back to the Swamp, as a cover and to wash away any evidence that Frank might suspect. Hawkeye had left their robes hanging inside the showers in preparation. They heard people cheer for the movie before they started leaving the mess tent, just as they entered the showers.

They didn’t talk too much as they showered, Hawkeye probably in a post-coital haze, and Trapper overthinking his thoughts from earlier. No, he’d never looked at a guy like that before. He’d had sex with ‘em sure, but feelings were reserved for girls. He just couldn’t have feelings for another guy like that- he couldn’t _like_ him and think about him the way all the heroes yammered on about to the romantic leads.

Where did these thoughts come from!? They had an arrangement. He wasn’t about to mess that up because he couldn’t stop thinking about his best friend’s eyes and his lips and his hair, and his laugh, the uncontrollable one that only came out once and awhile. And he thought of taking him to his favourite park back home and walking hand in hand. No, that was girly crap. He shook his head and wiped the water off his face as he glanced over at Hawk’s ass as he dried off. That’s all this was about, getting some fucking in when they didn’t feel like chasing nurses.

“Ready to head back, Trap?” Hawkeye’s voice broke into his thoughts. Trapper agreed and quickly dried before putting his robe on and following Hawk out of the showers and back home amidst all the movie goers milling about.

Later that night Trapper heard Frank ‘sneak’ out of the tent to go visit Hot Lips. He sighed and felt like the tent was less stuffy and tense and he could finally relax enough to sleep. Until he was roused by a mouth attaching itself to his neck. He groaned as he felt a slow warmth of arousal start at the contact with Hawkeye and spread to his curling toes.

“Hawk,” he ground out, a faint protest that sounded more like encouragement even to his own ears.

“Shhh, I’ll be quick, you don’t even have to sit up,” Hawkeye whispered in between kisses.

“I bet you get all the nurses and doctors with talk like that,” He joked weakly gasping as Hawk pulled his dick out of his pants. And stroked him to full hardness in no time.

“All I know is that it works on the one doctor I need right now.” He couldn’t look away from Hawk’s eyes, that were concentrating on getting them into his desired position quickly. “Trap, I need you inside me,” Hawkeye panted out as he prepped himself quickly, probably too quickly, before sinking down on Trapper’s cock.

“Fuuuu-” Hawkeye swallowed his curse with a kiss as his adjusted to his size. He pulled back with that grin that he loved- fuck not this again. No, he couldn’t think about that. He focused on Hawkeye who was starting to buck on top of Trapper. He gripped the brunet’s hips to help control his movement, bringing him down hard and bucking up to hit Hawk’s prostate. He knew he found it when he heard and felt him groan. He hit it again, and let go of one of his hips to stroke his lover’s leaking cock. He was close and wanted to get Hawk off before he came. He couldn’t resist his expression when he came, his face scrunching up, he bucked up hard and twisted his fist, and there it was; that face. Hawkeye came over Trapper’s stomach. Trapper switched their positions so Hawk was laying on the bed and he thrust in once, twice more before coming inside his Bunkie for the second time that night.

“Shit, Hawk,” he panted, trying to stay quiet and catch his breath at the same time.

“Mmmm s’good,” Hawkeye mumbled already half asleep with a blissful expression on his face that Trapper only saw after they’d had sex and he felt safe enough to be drowsy afterwards, which was hardly ever. His breathing evened out quickly and Trapper couldn’t tear his eyes away from his friend, his lover, the man that he fucking liked and maybe even loved? He wrapped his arms around him and held him close in a way he rarely let himself do.

He looked down at Hawkeye as he burrowed into Trapper’s chest. He looked so damn peaceful. He wished he could always keep the worry lines from his bunkie’s face. He was pretty sure it wasn’t just a Korea thing. He wanted Hawkeye around. He wanted to see him every day, joke with him, make him laugh uncontrollably, hold him, love him. He was absolutely fucked, and not in the fun way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good old-fashioned pining for someone you just have an FWB relationship with (but this time it’s Trapper who’s caught all the feels). I always feel like (in fic) Hawk is more invested in their relationship than Trapper, so this is my thoughts with flipping that narrative a bit. Randomly inspired by songs from the show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Also, not super confident in my smut and smut-adjacent skills. Hopefully it was adequate. Also my first time posting in years!
> 
> Second part takes place during "Welcome to Korea". It is written and should be posted soon.


	2. Part II: It Was a Shit Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you, yes, and I'll confess: the thought of staying is so enticing, and when you speak my knees get weak, I can't believe what I'm sacrificing. But let's get real, we know the deal so darling, let's not tiptoe this thing we had was not just bad: It was a shit show”  
> \- lyrics from "It Was a Shit Show", Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during 04x01: Welcome to Korea, aka the boys get to say goodbye.
> 
> As always, only beta-ed by me.

The entire drive was a blur. Hawkeye would later remember very little of it if anything. His mind felt like it was full of a summer fog. He had to get there. He had to get to him. He had to get to Trapper. That thought drove his every word, his every movement, his every breath. It was like a heartbeat in his hungover head and his bruised heart. _Trapper. Trapper don’t leave. Trapper don’t leave me._

He made it, miraculously, to Kimpo. Where to go, how would he find him? He felt like he was losing his mind. But then, he was there before the plane took off and he knew Trapper was still there, he just had to find him. He vaguely heard Radar say something about finding the new captain, but all he could focus on was the hanger number he had seen on the paper next to Trapper’s name.

He glanced around wildly, feeling lost. He managed to stammer out that he was looking for hanger 2 and some soldier, that looked at him oddly, pointed behind him and he was off again, running without even realising he was until he skidded to a stop beside the building. He saw the painted ‘2’ and scanned the crowd for the body that was as familiar as his own at this point. His eyes skimmed over all the people, but didn’t see him. He took a breath and then forced himself to slow down and look more methodically.

 _There,_ he saw him leaning against the metal siding of the hanger, almost blending into the shadows. His back was to Hawkeye and he was looking back in the direction of the 4077th. Hawkeye choked back a sob of relief as he jogged toward his friend. He hadn’t missed him. He was still _here_. _For now._

He couldn’t think of that- he had to focus on making it to Trapper, who looked all spiffed up in his Class As. He was a sight for sore eyes, which he could admit, even if Hawk preferred him in his robe or fatigues because that meant they were _home._ (And how fucked up was it was Trapper had made him think of their Korea latrine pit as home instead of the good ol’ U.S. of A?)

“Trap?”

Trapper knew that voice better than any other, he closed his eyes for a moment basking in it because he never thought he’d hear it again. He couldn’t believe Hawkeye made it. He turned and there he was, looking a bit like he’d been run over by a jeep, rather than surely driving one, but looking so utterly _Hawkeye_ , that Trapper couldn’t speak for a minute. He didn’t think he was going to see him again. Him and Radar had called everywhere looking for him.

He hadn’t wanted it to end that way, without a goodbye, but maybe it would have been best; a clean break. There were plenty of nurses to distract him once Trap was gone. And his replacement. But here he was, the best surgeon from the 4077th and the self-described worst soldier in Korea. He felt at once whole and broken seeing his best friend, the only man he had loved again, just to say goodbye. He didn’t know how long they had been just staring at each other until Hawkeye broke the silence. _Didn’t he always,_ he thought with a fondness he needed to stop feeling toward him.

“You’re a hard man to find, almost like you didn’t want to be caught,” there was an edge to the teasing, an unsaid accusation that he felt a little ashamed of. He’ll admit, while he and Radar had tried to get ahold of Hawk and he had delayed as much as Ferret Face would allow as CO, he had felt a bit of relief climbing in the bus headed to Kimpo. It would have been easier to leave with just the kiss on Radar’s cheek, than to see Hawk face to face, last time it had been hard enough when he had known he wasn’t leaving due to his ulcer, but telling him goodbye when he knew it was real this time? It would have been devastating. And because the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Hawk or twist the phantom knife that felt like it was lodged in his own stomach (and not due to an ulcer this time), he thought maybe it had happened this way for a reason.

“Only by you, Hawk,” it meant to come out as a quip, but ended up sounding far too sincere and desperate to his own ears, and maybe to Hawkeye’s too, which was the last thing either of them needed right now.

“Don’t-” Hawkeye stopped himself from saying it out loud, but the unsaid words still hung in the air around them. _Don’t leave me_. No matter how futile the words were. Neither of them could change the Army or its whims. They would be ruined for going against orders, they would be ruined if they were together. This couldn’t go on. It wasn’t _right_. At least that’s what had been drilled into his head for as long as he could remember. Though Trapper couldn’t imagine someone feeling what he did and still calling it _wrong_ , but he had a wife and children and… he physically shook his head hoping to clear his mind from the cloud of his feelings. Him and Hawk together was a fantasy and not something lasting. Not right now, probably not ever.

“Hawk, we- we can’t-” his voice broke. He told himself that it for the best for both of them. This was shit just waiting to hit the fan. This was a mine just waiting to be stepped on.

“I know, I know, just-” He knew. Neither of them seemed capable of the words, but they just _knew_. They knew that both of them had something together, but that it wasn’t viable.

Trapper threaded his hand through Hawkeye’s hair and looked into blue eyes he would never forget. It was beyond selfish of him, but all he wanted was to kiss him again, to feel the way he made him feel again. He leaned forward on a gut instinct and on pure want, but stopped himself. He couldn’t do this to Hawk. Instead of kissing him he leaned his forehead on Hawk’s.

He had a wife and, most importantly, his girls. He had a duty to them. The idea had crossed his mind, to enlist so he could stay longer, so he could stay with Hawk longer. But what good would that do? His girls would keep growing without him, the boys over here would keep getting wounded and if he had stayed then he and Hawk would keep sleeping together and would get more attached. Hawk flirted with anyone, so he felt like he was currently more invested in their relationship, he wanted it to stay that way. He wanted to protect Hawkeye. He was married. Their kind of relationship wasn’t sustainable. It would ruin them both. He leaned forward and saw Hawk’s eyes close. He stopped himself again and merely gave him a kiss on the cheek, which mirrored the kiss he had given Radar, but with far more feeling, before letting him go completely and stepping back.

“Last call for the 12:00 to Tokyo,” He picked up his duffle and headed to the entrance of the building alleyway behind Hawkeye. He couldn’t help himself and looked back at Hawkeye, his blue eyes glassy and his face full of sorrow. Trapper pulled down his cap and forced himself to walk away. It was for the best. They would only bring each other pain in the long run. So why did he feel like every step he took away from Hawkeye was causing another rip in his soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part was actually what I thought of first. I wanted to do a what-if, what-if Hawkeye caught Trapper at the airport (I’m sure others have done the same). And then I was listening to “It Was a Shit Show” from the show Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and I thought it could fit a scene between these boys at that airport if they got their goodbye. Some details may be off because I didn’t rewatch ‘Welcome to Korea’ before writing, please forgive any inconsistencies. 
> 
> Ironically, I first wanted to write this ship because most of the fic I saw on here was angsty and I wanted some fluff, and then I end up writing some angst as well. *Sigh* Well I’m still hoping to get to writing some fluff or at least an HEA for the boys. 
> 
> Pretty new to the show still. I’m currently mid-season 5 watching for the first time. If you want to rant about MASH (and whatever other random fandoms I’m wading into) feel free to find me on tumblr @miko-of-midnight


End file.
